This blog is a very personal blog! Run away screaming right now because there won't be any cutesy pictures to save you from the depth of this blog. This blog post has nothing to do with me as a photographer but it does have to do with my heart.
On our 2nd Christmas, married, Jeff and I lost our first child. I was 10 weeks along. Its something we don't talk about to other people often. Something I thought I'd never share on my photography blog. It is a very private grieving that takes place even to this day. On Saturday for some strange reason (that I later chalked it up to Satan) I realized that our child would be getting ready to turn 1 this summer. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Literally. I could hardly function. I was up and down all day emotionally. I crawled into bed frustrated at Jeff and the world. Jeff is the closest and best friend that I have so of course I take everything out on him and like a best friend he hugs me and tells me it will be better soon. Then I opened my Bible to a chapter in Psalm. David was crying out to the Lord to protect his heart. It was almost like a gentle smack on my hand from God. Reminding me that all day I didn't ask him once to step in and protect my heart.
1 My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. 2 He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
Psalm 613 For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. (satan)
Raining days come, spiritually, emotionally and even physically. You just have to know where the solid ground is and that is with my Jesus.
On Sunday, my friend Jillian came by to encourage me to keep cleaning. Jeff and I are trying to knock out all of our junk and organize our new place...(She caught me red handed on facebook. I SWEAR I was just taking a break!!!) I told her about Saturday just kind of being a cruddy day. She jumped up and said I heard this song and I want you to hear it. For some reason I can't find it on youtube as the whole version so I don't want to even attach it. But Christy Nockels and her husband sing the song about a child they miscarried. It’s called, Glory Baby. Through this song I have found a new joy in the plan God has for our life. He continues to bless us where we are pursuing my husband’s college education and starting mine. If you have to the time to search for the song go listen, it is truly amazing. My God is my rock and from that I will never be shaken.
<3
ReplyDeleteJessica..."Glory Baby" totally spoke to my heart too after our first miscarriage. Actually, after all 3. And every time I hear it, I get teary eyed.
ReplyDeleteAnd, btw, It's good to have those days sometimes...reminds us that we are human and that we need the Lord. Gotta come to that place where we are okay with the giving and the taking away. :) Thanks for sharing your personal day on your blog...it's always nice to know there are others (like me!) who have those days. It's a beautiful thought though...that our little ones are experiencing Heaven until we get to meet up with them. I bet our kids are friends up there. :)
You sure can touch my heart, Jess.
ReplyDeleteGrandma Claudia